The Random Crossplay of DOOM
by Quandtuniverse
Summary: It's crack like you've never seen it before! Everything's fair game in a tale of certain insanity when three anime fans suddenly find themselves in the craziest crossover ever! Crackfic. Rated for a reason. Beware. May cause coma and or death. Coauthored.
1. Seizures and Fire

Derived from dreams, inside jokes, crack, randomness, and brain freeze, here be a stoy co-authored with my good friend Becca. This chapter is almost 100 percent written by me, but here's a guide for the next few chapters, so you know what to expect from her.

1- If it's perverted, she wrote it  
2- If it's disturbing, she wrote it  
3- If it involves Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts, she wrote it  
4- If it sounds wrong, she wrote it  
5- If you scream when reading it, she wrote it

Now you know why this story is rated T.

Anyway, enjoy the crack!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Becca, She doesn't own me. Neither of us own FMA or anything else in the story, besides the actual story and ourselves.**

* * *

Once upon a time, Roy came into his office to find Riza sitting at his desk, drinking his coffee.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" he roared.

-The following 18 pages have been censored-

"WTF?" said Roy.

"GASP!" gasped Riza at his choice of words.

"No, it stands for 'Went to France'".

"Oh. Bonjour!" Riza turned into a mockingbird and flew away.

"Mmm. I'm gonna watch TV." Roy turned on the tv that randomly appeared in the middle of the room.

"Pikachu!" Pikachu pikachued.

"Ooh! Pokemon!" Roy fangirl-screamed.

"Pikachu! Thundershock!"

KA-BOOM

The screen flashed red, white, and blue.

"AAAAAGH!" Roy aaaaaghed, and rolled on the carpet, having a seizure. The tv blew up.

"That was weird," he said, getting up.

"But why is the rum gone?" Jack Sparrow said.

"Because I said so," Roy royed.

"Damn!" said Jack, and Will Turner hit him over the head with an oar.

"Owie..." Jack moaned, and hit the floor and turned to gold.

Elizabeth sighed dramatically.

"Sigh!"

"All in a day's work!" Will Rock Lee-posed at a wooing Elizabeth and a stunned Roy.

"Enough with the pirates!" Roy said, and everyone disappeared.

Three new girls appeared.

"I think we should go that-a way!" one of the taller girls said.

"What?" the other taller girl said.

"I don't think we're at Otakon anymore..." the shorter girl said.

"EH?" the three girls screamed with the same upset look on their faces.

"TAISA!" the first girl, who was dressed as Nina, screamed and tackle-glomped him.

"Becca!" the other two, dressed as Riza and Winry, shouted.

"What?" the one named Becca looked at them.

"Let the poor man breathe," said the one dressed as Riza.

The tv randomly fixed itself and turned on.

"Ooh! Pokemon!" Fake!Riza fangirl-screamed.

"Oh damn," said Roy.

Everyone had seizures. Then Havoc randomly came in, smoking.

"Wazzap!" He saw the tv and also had a seizure. The cigarette fell out of his mouth and the office caught on fire.

The tv blew up again.

"That was weird," said Fake!Riza.

Just then they realized the room had gone up in flames.

"FIRE!!!111oneone" they all screamed.

* * *

TA-DA! Please give feedback. We love reviews. And the next chapters only get crazier, so be warned.

-Julia & Becca


	2. Yaoi and Kidnappings

**Warning:** This is where the story gets officially wrong. Avert your eyes before they bleed!

**Disclaimer: Same as last chapter.**

* * *

Several hours and firefighters later...

Becca/Nina turned to Roy. "...Sex?"

"Yes plz," said Havoc. Roy headdesked, but the badly charred desk collapsed and he fell head first into a pile of soot.

"Who the France are you anyway?" he half-roared, blinking soot out of his eyes.

"I'm Julia," the one dressed as Riza said. She looked embarassed. "Please forgive my insane friends."

"Insane indeed," he said.

"Nandeyanen," said Osaka.

"BELIEVE IT!" said Naruto.

"OUT!" yelled Julia. They jumped out the window.

"And just what are all of you doing in MY office?" Roy intervened, getting up. He tried to dust himself, but he was still black all over.

"I told you we should have turned left at Albuquerque..." she whispered to her companions.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Damn maps," Becca muttered. She turned to the shorter. "Wifie" she squealed, wrapping her arms around the "wife's" waist and nuzzling her.

"Becca, stop raping Katherine."

"Ok. Ok. You girls. If you have no business with me, GET LOST," Roy growled through gritted teeth.

"I thought we already were lost..." mumbled Julia.

"AAAAARGH!" Roy aaaaarghed, but his action to reach out and strangle the girls was interrupted to the sound of breaking glass. The window had just imploded. And sitting on the windowsill was Riza. She was wearing a beret, carrying a baguette under one arm and a bottle of champagne under the other.

"Salut!" she said cheerfully.

"Hey, how was France?" said Havoc and Roy at the same time.

Riza tossed the champagne to Roy and the baguette to Havoc.

"Oh, it was wonderful- who are these girls?" she said, looking around the room. "And why is this place all burned up?" She stared at Roy. "And since when are you black?"

"Since when are you human? Last time I saw you, you had turned into a mockingbird," said Roy, popping open his champagne. "Paatii, shampan no rain, sekushii na reidii, kissu de esukotoo!" he sang.

Everyone blinked.

"That was random," he said.

"No, this is random," Katherine chimed, throwing a smoke bomb to the floor. When the smoke cleared the three were in completely different costumes.

"Axel!" chimed Becca.

"Luxord!" Katherine squealed tossing cards about.

"Why are you two from the same game?" Julia asked, now dressed as Zelda.

"Because," boomed a loud voice from above.

Silence. Everyone looked up.

"...Carry on," said the voice.

Since the office was getting boring, they all materialized outside. They were in a park, and Gregory House was running laps around them just for the heck of it.

"But... Dr. House can't run..." said Julia, intrigued.

"o rly?" said House, and that very instant he tripped over falling flat on his face.

"YA RLY!" squealed Becca and Katherine at the same time. Turning to each other the two began clapping their hands together.

"Yamette! Atashi no oshiri itai!"

-Crickets chirp-

"What?" Becca/Axel said annoyed. "I like gay buttsecks."

"And I love you too!" said the Wonder Chef, tackle glomping Becca.

"About time Symphonia got involved," said Julia.

"Gay buttsecks?" Becca squealed, tackle glomping the Wonder Chef back.

"Er... I've got to... teach... someone how to make spaghetti!" yelped the Wonder Chef, backing away.

"Then why is your spaghetti up?" she asked, pointing to the space between his legs.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"SECURITY!!!" About 40 gorilla-sized hitmen took Becca and dragged her away.

"NOOOOOOOO-" screamed Becca. "I'm a Pockitia sufferer! You can't do this to me!! NOOOO!!!"

"That's not a real disease-" started Julia.

"It's a hallucination anime fans get from eating too much Pocky," said House, who all along had been face down on the grass. Cameron and Cuddy ran through with a stretcher, picked him up and ran off.

"POCKY? WHERE??" squealed Becca, escaping the grasp of the gorilla-men.

"THERE!" said one of them, pointing to a truck.

"YAY!!" Becca ran into the truck and they closed the door behind her, driving off.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids," said Roy, breaking the silence.

"Where'd they take Becca?" whimpered Julia.

"We must take this matter-" started Riza, but Roy interrupted.

"TO THE PIMP MOBILE!!" he yelled, and dragged Riza, the two girls and Havoc to his car.

"...Nandeyanen," said Osaka.

"WIDSHIELD" Itachi-kun/Edo-kun shouted.

* * *

That last line was thoughtfully supplied by my good friend, Itachi/Edo-kun. YOU GO, ITACHI!

Well... the next two chapters are a bit short. BUT REVIEW PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE -drools-

-Julia & Becca


	3. Beer and Tomatoes

I'M SORRY!! I've had this chapter ready for months but I totally forgot to upload it! -cries in a corner-

Hopefully people are still reading this...

**Disclaimer: **Fullmetal Alchemist and other series/videogames/animes/comic books featured here don't belong to me and don't belong to Becca. This is for pure fun. We totally used Katherine without her permission though. XD

* * *

After a couple of hours driving...

"Do you even know where we're going, sir?" said Riza from the front seat, ignoring the girls in the back. Havoc was squeezed in between them and under any other circumstance would have loved it, if it weren't for a) they were both under 16, and b) they were singing "99 Bottles of Beer" very, very loudly.

"NO MORE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, NO MORE BOTTLES OF BEER! GO TO THE STORE AND BUY SOME MORE, 99 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL!!"

"Don't make me turn this car around!" shouted Roy, from the front.

"You can't! It's illegal!" laughed the two girls.

"Why you-" growled Roy, turning around to face the two.

"Colonel! Pay attent-" said Riza in her best authoritarian voice, before yelping as the car swerved off the road and then back on, causing a truck, coming in the opposite direction, to flip over. The car stopped as a sea of tomatoes gushed out of the truck, engulfing them.

"GAAH!" Becca squealed, jumping out of the oozing tomatoes.

"Miss me?" she asked, nibbling on some Lucky Charms.

"Wifie" Katherine squealed, glomping her while Julia just stared.

"There you are," she said, sighing with relief and half annoyance. "Sigh."

After much joy from the three girls, much annoyance from Riza, much distress from Roy ("My car is full of tomatoes!"), much rage from the truck driver and much emoness from Havoc, Julia stopped them, holding a controller with two buttons on it, labeled "rewind" and "fast forward".

"Okay, guys, I just thought of something."

"What?"

"Here." She pressed "rewind". "It says 'several hours and firefighters later'." She pressed "fast forward". "And here it says 'after a couple hours driving'. However, it's still morning. By my calculations... It's nightime!"

And with those words, it became night. Roy looked excited.

"I AM SURROUNDED BY NAKED CHEERLEADERS!!"

Silence.

"Aw damn," he said dejectedly.

* * *

I totally stole that last joke from House. Sue me. (No, actually, don't! I don't have any money!)

Remember: REVIEWS ARE LOVE!

Julia&Becca


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